This Side of the Pond

It’s not often I’m ashamed of my country of birth, but today is one of those days. I find myself horrified at the latest news coming out of the UK and I’m not sure I’ll ever see my people the same way.

An online delivery service called Foodhub ran a survey among 2000 citizens of my once-proud nation, the results of which have made me question everything I thought I knew. The topic of said survey was the most important ingredient known to mankind: cheese.

Now, I’ve always thought of the Brits as pretty snobbish about cheese. We have every right to be: we produce approximately 750 different kinds just by ourselves, not counting the numerous varieties we import from around Europe and the world.

There are so many types of cheese in the UK that you’ll never find them all in one place – even the biggest supermarket would turn into a giant dairy counter. You might be surprised to hear this, as most people think of the French as the world’s connoisseurs of fine dairy, but they only produce a paltry 400 varieties.

With all those options to choose from, I was genuinely curious to find out which had been given the title of the country’s favorite type of cheese.

It wasn’t cheddar, the most obvious of all British brands, nor the delectable Wensleydale or a cheeky Double Gloucester. It wasn’t even the fancy French contributions of Brie and Camembert, the wax-wrapped delight of Dutch Edam or the staple of every good kitchen fridge, Italian mozzarella.

No, the favorite treat of the British public is apparently…processed cheese slices.

“A lot of people turn their nose up at this product but, our research clearly shows it is the nation’s favorite,” said Ardian Mula of Foodhub, who I can only assume was asked to put a positive spin on this tragedy. “Clearly much of this comes from the fact we love it on burgers and sandwiches”.

I’m as much of a sandwich fan as the next Brit, and I’ll do almost anything for a decent burger (especially in one of those pretzel buns), but I still don’t get it. Slices are a convenient way to tease cheese into a shape that will sit comfortably on a patty, but it was surely never intended as gourmet.

Before you take offense at my opinion on what you guys would refer to as American cheese: this is not that. We import very little of your dairy to the UK because European Union tariffs have always been so high – a couple of years ago, they were reported to be anywhere up to $73 per kilo.

The processed cheese slices we have in the UK look like they ought to taste similar, but have a far floppier texture that feels plastic in your mouth and are an alarming shade of orange. They follow the same basic principle of “flat thing that sits well on burger,” but have been processed right out of the category of foodstuff.

Cheddar did manage to come in second on the survey, with precisely one third of the vote, although I find this difficult to swallow considering it makes up over half the UK’s annual spend on cheese (which is an impressive $2.65 billion.) This isn’t a variety I need introduce you to, of course, as apparently you produced three billion pounds of it in 2019 alone.

Nor is mozzarella, which came in third on this ridiculous survey and is apparently the most popular choice for Americans. Next up was Red Leicester, which you guys might want to consider importing – it’s like cheddar, only more crumbly and dark orange in color, with a creamy texture and a sweet aftertaste.

Farther down the list was Stilton, which rather belies its traditional title of the “king of cheeses.” You might enjoy that variety, too: it’s a milder blue cheese with distinctive veins running through it.

These are just the most famous of our 750 species. As you might imagine, once you work down the list, the available naming choices start to get a little thin.

That’s probably why you’ll occasionally come across the kind of monikers that will raise your eyebrows, such as the Ticklemore, the Slack Ma Girdle, the Pantysgawn and the Stinking Bishop. The latter, in case you were wondering, is said to have a smell that resembles “wet towels and dirty socks.” I haven’t tried it, but it sounds delicious.

The most expensive cheese ever sold in the UK is said to be the Long Clawson Dairy, a limited edition Stilton from 2011 that was flavored with gold-flecked liqueur and contained gold leaf. It cost $550 per pound, so it probably wasn’t used on many burgers.

Cheese, nectar of the gods, the food that’s fit for royalty. On the subject of monarchs and their dairy, I sadly don’t have information about Queen Elizabeth II’s opinion towards my favorite ingredient, but Prince Charles is said to be a huge fan of local cheeses and his grandson, Prince George, apparently lists his favorite dish as “cheesy pasta.”

I can also tell you that Queen Victoria was presented with a giant wheel of cheddar as a wedding gift from the villages of East and West Pennard and was absolutely delighted. King Henry II meanwhile paid £10 for five tons of cheddar in 1170. I wouldn’t have liked to see the state of his arteries by 1172.

The survey that started me thinking about cheese in the first place also disappointed me with its other questions, which included the revelation that only one in five Brits eat cheese every day and one in ten men say they can’t stand it at all.

Personally, I don’t see the point in a meal that doesn’t contain cheese. On that basis, you’d have thought I’d have more nightmares. Fortunately, the only one that ever plagues my nights is of a world bereft of all cheese except in the form of plastic, tasteless squares.