This Side of the Pond

Let go of your dreams, ladies and gentleman, for as a state we have attained the loftiest of heights and may never again outdo ourselves. This Christmas, a product that hails from Wyoming has filled a coveted space on the Goop holiday shopping guide.

If you’re wondering what in blazes a Goop might be, I’m not sure whether to feel guilt that I’m about to steal your innocence or pity that you’ve been missing out on capitalism’s most sincere sacrifice to lunacy. It is, to cut a long story short, an online magazine about alternative health with the patronage of one Gwyneth Paltrow and no relationship whatsoever with reality.

It’s not that I’m against the idea of complementing the advice of one’s doctor with natural therapies. If it makes a person feel more positive and they’re not ignoring all that modern science has to offer, what’s the harm? It’s more that Goop has a reputation for selling snake oil.

This is a website that proclaims you can cure depression by walking around barefoot, advocated a treatment called “apitherapy” in which you get stung by bees (on purpose), used a guide to spirit animals to sell “spirit animal rings” for $2400 and once sold a sheet of stickers they claimed were a healing tool.

In the past, their expertise has proven so unsound that it prompted a highly educated, practicing gynecologist to start her own blog with the sole purpose of debunking the website in an increasingly shrill tone. She’s not alone – even NASA piped up to let people know the healing stickers are a scam – so I suppose you could call Goop a public service of sorts.

However, the biggest problem for me is that it’s extremely expensive snake oil, aimed at celebrities and millionaires from Bel Air rather than those of us who prefer clean air and simple living to the adrenaline of “splashing out”. It’s not so much aspirational as it is a sure path to bankruptcy.

This year’s gift ideas include but are certainly not limited to: an “identity necklace” with detachable diamond bar for just under $20,000; a gold “sculpting bar” for $195 so you can attempt at-home face lifts, because heaven forbid you mash your cheeks with anything less than 24 karats; and a “jazz throw” for $544 that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with jazz but was woven on a traditional loom in Spain. There’s even a pair of fluffy slippers for $770 and a marble version of that Connect 4 board game we all played in the 1980s for an eye-watering $1495.

All of this sprinkled with designer handbags, jewelry in the five-digit price range and the kind of wrist watch you only buy to show people you can afford to buy that wrist watch. The good news is that Goop now appears to have reached a new level of self-awareness about their own content.

That’s why this year’s holiday list has a section for “stocking stuffers” under $100, such as cocktail stirrers for $50 and a wine aerator for $100. It’s meant to include those of us on the lowly end of the budget scale.

However, in my experience, stockings contain multiple small gifts and one satsuma and are intended to be a fun way to start the day. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never felt inclined to hand over a thousand bucks’ worth of “silly gifts” to anyone.

The item we in Wyoming have contributed to this madness is called a Calming Midnight Mask with Melatonin and Wild Dandelion, which is only purchasable through the benevolence of Goop. It supposedly detoxifies and deeply moisturizes your skin overnight, which does sound wonderful except that I cannot see mention of them including a dose of washing powder for after I’ve smeared it all over my pillow.

The finished product resembles putty and is flesh toned, which I suppose might make it a useful gift for burglars who need to disguise their features. From what I can tell, we mainly contributed the flowers.

Dandelions, to be specific, from Jackson Hole, Wyoming. According to Goop, they were “wild-crafted”, which I suspect is a fancy way of saying they would have grown with or without the assistance of a hippy in spangled moccasins.

These dandelions are mixed together with magnesium, valerian root and something called bakuchiol to create face putty that retails for $68 a pop. I feel calmer already.

Unfortunately, while Goop itself is low hanging fruit for casual mockery, it turns out that the company which makes this product is one of the more legitimate to appear on the website. I shouldn’t be surprised – I’ve come to appreciate during my time here that, if there’s anything we do well in Wyoming, it’s old-fashioned common sense.

The founder of the company apparently walked into a dandelion field, had a flash of inspiration and came up with a product that appeals to the kind of people who can spend $68 on a face mask. It almost certainly smells wonderful, not to mention it’s a genius business plan.

So if you’re interested in a surreal Christmas and have some extra money to burn, head on over to Goop to find some quirky treats that may or may not have an impact on your health and wellbeing, but to be honest probably won’t. Alternatively, you could go for a brisk walk in the beautiful Wyoming air and feel just as invigorated for free – and you might even find a field of flowers that will inspire you to make your own fortune from the avid health-seekers of Hollywood.