This Side of the Pond

It’s delightful to discover a home-town hero, especially one who not only stands up for the little guy, but adds beauty to the world while he’s doing it. I came across such a pillar of the community quite by accident, thanks to a sculpture in Chicago that looks like a giant jellybean.

The statue – which is called Cloud Gate, though the locals are too savvy to refer to it as anything but The Bean – was designed by a hoity-toity British artist by the name of Sir Anish Mikhail Kapoor. Unless you are a fan of ultra-modern conceptual installation art, which I confess I am not, Anish Kapoor is unlikely to be a name you are familiar with.

At this point, however, all you need know is that our villain has just entered, stage left.

Mr. Kapoor, you see, recently attracted the attention of the art world for a second reason: he became the Thief of Color.

A couple of years ago, a company in the UK invented a material it called “Vantablack ®”. The name stands for “vertically aligned carbon nanotube arrays”, from which you will be able to ascertain exactly how interested you are in hearing more about its development.

The most important thing about Vantablack is that it is the darkest shade of black mankind has ever been able to make. It absorbs 99.96 percent of visible light and can be made into a sprayable paint.

The Thief of Color licensed Vantablack exclusively for his own use. Because nobody else can make it and nobody else can buy it, he is now the only human being in the world who can legally paint using this shade of black. Our villain has his very own color – and you, peasant, may not have a single lick of it.

That’s a level of selfishness Stuart Semple wasn’t willing to abide. Enter our hero, stage right.

Semple is an artist from my home town of Bournemouth. He would have been in the grade below me at school, but I haven’t been able to work out exactly which school that was so I’m not yet in a position to claim I knew him all along. This is a shame, as you will soon see.

Our hero happens to make pigments in his spare time and decides to utilize this talent to fight back against the Thief of Color. He created a shade called Pinkest Pink, possibly the brightest, pinkest shade of ultra-pink you could ever imagine, and offered it for sale.

To purchase a reasonably priced pot of this pigment, you must accept the terms and conditions as follows: “By adding this product to your cart you confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, you are in no way affiliated to Anish Kapoor, you are not purchasing this item on behalf of Anish Kapoor or an associate of Anish Kapoor. To the best of your knowledge, information and belief this paint will not make its way into the hands of Anish Kapoor.” 

In other words, the Bringer of Brightness created a color that can be used by every single person in the whole world – except his arch nemesis, the Thief of Color.

This wouldn’t be a superhero story if the villain didn’t threaten to win, and Kapoor had the resources to give it a solid try. He wound up getting his hands on some Pinkest Pink and, because he is as petty as he is selfish, posted a photo of himself with his finger covered in pigment after dipping it into the pot.

Our hero kept his cool. While many of us would have thought seriously about popping Kapoor on the nose, the Bringer of Brightness responded by creating two new products.

The first was Diamond Dust, which glitters as though giving off light all by itself. It is incredibly beautiful, and was once again put on sale for anyone who might want to try using it (except Anish Kapoor).

It is also made of tiny shards of glass, which was Semple’s brilliant way of suggesting his nemesis might want to stick his thumb in this one and see what happens. Let it never be said that British passive aggression cannot be effective.

The second product he released was Black 2.0, made with the help of hundreds of artists across the world. It’s not quite as black as Vantablack, but you’d never be able to tell with the naked eye.

Unlike Vantablack, it’s non-toxic and doesn’t explode if it’s not applied in a special laboratory. It also costs about six bucks a pot, rather than however many millions Kapoor paid for his extra-special personal shade of black.

Our hero was triumphant, but the Thief of Color was not yet done. He threatened to sue poor Semple, an artist whose entire body of work appears to be about wanting to make people happy.

The two also clashed briefly last year when Kapoor once again let his selfish flag fly by planning another floor for his studio apartment in London, which will block the light for his neighbors. The Bringer of Brightness responded by creating Lit, a pigment that emits an unlimited amount of light when charged.

Kapoor is not banned from owning this color. In fact, Semple has promised that your order will be free if you can ensure that some of it gets into Kapoor’s hands, because he would like him to know how lovely it feels to #ShareTheLight.

The most recent chapter occurred on Kapoor’s 64th birthday, when a viewing of The Grinch inspired Semple to organize an event called Kiss the Bean. No word yet on whether this was the final victory, but I’m willing to declare him the winner.

Stuart Semple invited anyone and everyone to wear the pinkest lipstick they could find (or Pinkest Pink mixed with petroleum jelly) and “Kiss The Bean” in Chicago to help melt the blackest of black hearts.

I don’t know if it worked. I do know that Anish Kapoor was not invited.