This Side of the Pond - Dec. 20

If there’s one thing we Brits excel at, it’s the passive aggressive response. One could argue that pinning us down can be frustrating because we dance so delicately around every subject, but you can’t deny that, every so often, the results are worth the effort.

As was the case when a prestigious American newspaper made the mistake of suggesting it might be about to say something negative about my nation’s capital. It wasn’t an untrue something negative, and it was nice they were reaching out to the average Joe, but it still couldn’t go unanswered.

The story begins with a sobering thought: the homicide rate in London is at a decade high and the London Assembly’s police and crime committee are calling for “further and drastic action”. This is not an amusing issue, obviously.

But the New York Times was not interested in rising levels of knife crime. Instead, it put out a message on Twitter asking Londoners to share their experiences of less hard-hitting incidents.

“Have you experienced a petty crime in London? Click to tell us your story,” said the tweet. The paper suggested that the rise in violent crime had left the Metropolitan Police “severely stretched” and said it wanted to understand how they are now responding to less serious threats.

It later transpired that the newspaper’s UK reporter had just been burgled, so I can understand why this was on her mind. But for Londoners, it was an opportunity that could not be ignored.

Thousands of heads popped up behind keyboards and the deluge began, including – as far as I can tell – not one iota of useful information. Instead, it became a discussion of every petty irritation that can possibly happen to a Brit – and a fascinating insight into the mind of your average Londoner.

“Sitting on the London Underground, and a passenger met my eyes for more than a second. Then he *smiled*,” said actor Stephen McGann, helpfully adding the hashtag “londonhasfallen”. He referred, of course, to the unspoken rule that you never make eye contact in the capital, which might seem aloof but is actually our respectful way of offering each other a tiny amount of privacy in a city of millions.

The morning commute was a pretty popular topic, as it happens. “A stranger tried to talk to me on the Tube, so I reported him to the police,” said another reply.

“Someone yesterday stood on the left hand side of the escalator at the Tube station,” said a third. Helpful tip for travelers: the left is considered the “fast” lane and is for those who feel an inexplicable need to clamber up the escalators in the hope of catching the train that arrives 30 seconds earlier.

“Two people in backpacks kept turning around and bumping into me on my commute. I sighed and tutted, but was concerned the tension could escalate,” said another victim, explaining exactly why we feel annoyed with anyone who carries more than their own body onto a crowded bus.

“My neighbors left their bins out for two days after they were emptied,” said another response. This one caused me a sharp intake of breath – there’s nothing more irritating than a busy sidewalk covered in trash can obstacles.

Soho Theatre described the scandal of two audience members who once tried to sit in the same seat – and neither of them apologized. It was mayhem, they said, and the show had to be canceled.

“Someone clipped me with their trolley in Waitrose the other day and only apologized once,” said one astonished shopper. I’m not sure why we Brits feel the need to apologize several times, but the very idea of just one sorry is unthinkable.

This is highlighted, in fact, by another response (which also makes me wonder if the supermarket victim is in fact one of the criminals, as every Brit knows you’re supposed to apologize for being the victim):

“I once accidentally queue-barged a man in a supermarket. I apologized profusely for not realizing they were in a queue. They then apologized for making a big deal about nothing. I then apologized for their apology. Then someone behind us apologized for asking us to move up,” he said.

Then, of course, you have the theme of pricing. London is a big city, so things do cost a little more. “£6 for a pint,” grumbled one; “£40 cinema tickets at the Odeon in Leicester Square,” warned another.

General points of etiquette were a popular topic, such as that, “I asked someone how they were and they actually told me” and another that I’m pretty sure will give me nightmares: “Someone held the door open for me when I was still ten feet away and then I had to run and pretend I was grateful.”

Fortunately, I was reassured by another response that explained the correct etiquette to issue punishment in such a situation: “Yesterday in Earls Court I held the door open for someone but they didn’t acknowledge my kind action. After they’d passed I said “thank you” just loud enough so they couldn’t hear. Fair to say they won’t be doing that again any time soon”.

And naturally cups of tea made quite a few appearances, including from one shellshocked individual who reported they, “Ordered a tea and they put the milk in first.”

Petty? You got it, New York Times. I leave you with my favorite, which I shall introduce by explaining that a Brit is not allowed to accept the last treat the first time it is offered; two refusals are the minimum to be expected.

“A man in Lidl took the last croissant and I said “oh you’ve taken the last croissant” and laughed and then he offered it to me and I said “oh no I couldn’t possibly” so I got a Danish pastry but I really wanted the croissant and I’m still upset that he didn’t force the issue.”